What do I want to do?

Ever since I was very small I wanted to be a teacher,  it was my focus my passion.  

As a Brownie leader while at school it secured this thoughts and further work experience sealed the deal. I really had to be a teacher.  Despite my struggles at school I got through my GCSEs and A levels,  got to university where we found I was dyslexic, I still had this desire to teach, to share the way I access the world and make school a better experience for others. 

I graduated with a 2:I and went on to do my PGCE. We then moved to a new area and I did supply work to get my face known and to settle in to life in a new city, a vast difference from a small seaside town. I got my first job, to start my NQT, then I got sick. 

I was put in a position where I pretty much had to decide health or job, (this was before we knew how serious my illness was) I chose health, I was told I'd regret it. 

So now, I'm at a point a year on, where I'm thinking what I want to do, I'm still unfit to go back to teaching, and probably would not be in a position to do so until next September, however I'm unsure. Do I want to? My passion and talents lie in teaching the youngest children, but I can't get down on the floor, I can't be on their level, I can't sit on the little chairs, I can't tie shoelaces or do little buttons, all things that are important, yet going into. Key stage 2 I get frightened by my dyslexia as I don't want to mark things correct that are incorrect as I've transposed numbers and words. 

Do I even want to go back into a school? The thought sends me scared, terrified actually, do I want to be in that environment that I nearly pushed me into sacrificing my life as that is what the end result could have been if I'd succumbed to the pressure. 

Then I think if I don't teach, what do I want to do? I've got £30,000 of student loan debt in order to become a teacher and it seems such a waste to throw that away. I think I want a job I can leave at work. Where my home time is home time and I can spend it with my lovely partner. I wish there was an easy solution, a magic ball to give me the answer or someone to guide me through this desicion. I want to feel some sort of satisfaction from my job, but I wider what will give me that.